Friday, December 31, 2010

Wazzup Dog?

Warning!!! Due to the frank nature of the topic below, reader discretion is advised.

I am not originally from the Chicago area, so my food preferences are a tad bit different than the locals. For example, hot dogs. I prefer just a little bit of ketchup and onion on my hot dogs. To my palette, they are a good compliment to quality frank. But ketchup is sacrilege in Chicago. You can't pay the local wiener purveyors enough to put some ketchup on your hot dog. You may as well ask them to kick a puppy and then eat it alive. They maybe, just maybe, will give you an old packet of Heinz that they found on the sidewalk 3 years ago. But they dare not break the seal on that Devil's juice called ketchup. For the demons summoned forth will surely bring an end to all mankind.

It seems that the only option is the Chicago-style hot dog. I have finally determined that Chicago style hot dogs are hot dogs for those that don't like hot dogs. They put all of the boldest flavored toppings possible on them. It is like they are trying to mask the fact that they are eating a hot dog. In fact, if I were forced to eat a piece of shit, I would ask if I could put it in a poppy seeded bun with some Chernobyl green relish, mustard, onions, a dill pickle, tomato, sport peppers, and just an eensy weensy dash of celery salt. That way, I could fool myself into thinking that I am not eating shit and maybe I am just eating a Chicago dog. I couldn't tell the difference. Nobody could because the shit dog is buried beneath a virtual Matterhorn of condiments. I do agree with the Chicago-doggers on one thing. In keeping with Chicago-dog tradition, the shit would have to be kosher, of course.

Happy New Year!!!
The Alpaca Buggerer

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