Jason's Census Tips

Note: I am not an official with the Census Bureau. The answers contained below may or may not be correct. Please consult your lawyer before filling out your census form.

Jason's Census Tip #1.


Question: According to the instructions on the form you must, "Count all people, INCLUDING BABIES, who live AND sleep here MOST OF THE TIME." I have a baby who lives here, but he/she seems to hardly sleep. Do I still count him/her?

Answer: That depends. You need to measure how much the baby sleeps on the night of April 1st. If it is over 50%, then the baby is counted. If the baby sleeps less than 50%, then you have an undocumented child and will be hearing from the proper authorities. I suggest Benadryl.



Jason's Census Tip #2.

Question: The instructions state, "Do not count anyone living in a nursing home, jail, prison, detention facility, etc., on April 1, 2010." What is their definition of prison? Sometimes I feel like I am trapped in my own hellish prison at home. Should I not count myself?

Answer: Even though the census form doesn't make an explicit definition of what constitutes a "prison," you can be safe to assume that they mean an actual penitentiary. You should count yourself, unless, of course, you are losing sleep over the definition of prison on April 1st.



Jason's Census Tip #3.

Question: The forms states, "If someone who has no permanent place to stay is staying here on April 1, 2010, count that person. Otherwise, he or she may be missed in the census." By tradition, my family has hosted a randomly chosen urban outdoorsman from March 1st to April 2nd. Since he will be leaving right after the census date, should we count him?



Answer: That depends. The instructions clearly state that you should count those who don't have a permanent palce to stay who are living with you. However, you need to determine how well he is sleeping on the night of the 1st. If he sleeps like a baby (unless it is the baby that is NOT sleeping, then this analogy doesn't work) you should count him. If he stays up all night drinking Mad Dog, leering at your teenaged daughter, and playing X-box, then you do not count him and wait for him to be deported to Guatemala.



Jason's Census Tip #4.

Question: "Question number 3 on the form asks, "Is this house, apartment, or mobile home-" and then there is a place to mark if it is owned with a mortgage, owned outright, rented, or occupied without rent. My question is, I am living in a tent in a shanty town, how do I answer this?"

Answer: OK, this one is easy. Since you are not paying rent or a mortgage, you should select the box for occupied without payment of rent. This selection also pertains to abandond crack houses and any property claimed under "squatters rights."

Follow-up Question: I thought that we didn't have to answer this question. Isn't the only question that requires and answer the one about how many people sleep there long enough to be counted as living there? What if your husband is Bill Clinton? How do you count where he sleeps?

Answer: Since I don't live with, nor am I married to Bill Clinton, I am not planning on answering about where he sleeps. However, He may end up at our place on April 1st. That is why it is important to wait to fill out the census. Of course, how well he sleeps when he is here will determine that answer also.



Jason's Census Tip #5.

Question: The form asks for your age and then your date of birth. Wouldn't just one of those be required? I mean, can't they just get your age from your date of birth?

Answer: What are you, a smart-aleck? It is obviously to catch those of you who lie about your age. There are people who have been 29 for so many years that they now believe it.



Jason's Census Tip #6.

Question: Oh wise Census Guy: Question #10 asks: Does Person 1 sometimes live or stay somewhere else? Well sometimes he stays in a hotel/motel when he travels. Do we still count him?

Answer: Great question and one that pertains to your very own Census Guy. Since the person lives primarily at the residence, then yes, you should count that person. But, also make sure to check the box under question 10, "For another Reason." This would include those who travel regularly and those who sometimes live in vans down by the river. OF course, this all depends on how well the person slept on the night of the 1st. See previous Tips for more information.

Jason's Census Tip #7.

Question: Census guy. I'm a musician. I live out of the back of my van. Will I be getting a census form on my windshield, or should I make sure to get counted in the club I'm playing at on the first?

Answer: Good question. Since the club is not a residence, they will not receive a census form. What you need to do is find a home to crash in for that night and have them count you. Make sure that they also mark Question 10 yes and select that "this person sometimes lives somewhere else." This selection covers those with a mobile living arrangement such as a van down by the river.

Follow-up Question: Nice catch on question 10. "Does Person 1 sometimes live or stay". Would this be applicable for the Illinois' governor's mansion as well?

Answer: The Governor's business in none of your business. Now, would you like to be deported?

Jason's Census Tip #8

Question: Census Guy: Q 6 regards a person's sex. Will hermaphrodites be able to sue the Census for lack of representation? Only options are M and F.

Answer: This is a sticky subject for the Census Bureau. The forms says to only check ONE box, male or female. A hermaphrodite would have to check both, but that choice is not available. After much research, it was found that hermaphrodites don't usually sleep well, so they will not actually be counted in the census and will be deported to Gibraltar. See previous Tips for discussion on the issue of sleep and the census.

Jason's Census tip #9

Question: What if there are more than 12 people sleeping at this residence on April 1st?

Answer: Please refer to the Spanish Language form for details.



Jason's Census Tip #10

Question: One more question Census Guy. I just asked my husband if we had received our Census form. He replied in the affirmative and then went on to tell me that he had already sent it in. Will we be prosecuted?

Answer: It depends on what he answered and how you sleep the night of the 1st. Also, try not to get arrested before then. Unless, of course, he answered in a way that anticipated the arrest.