Lotto win has T-ball Team Pining for Pujols.

LEHIGH ACRES, FL- The MacMurray Auto Body Tigers T-ball team finished in 2nd place in their league last year. For, "Team Mom," Angela Davis it isn't enough and she might just be the person who can do something about that.


Davis, 33 and her husband, the team's Assistant Coach Mike, 36, had the winning numbers in last months record lottery drawing. "265 million dollars is more money than we could ever hope to spend, so we figured we could do something for our son," Mike Davis explained.

Enter Albert Pujols. The eventual Hall of Fame first baseman of the St. Louis Cardinals is a free-agent and expected to fetch a record contract from the highest bidder. "Our Cody is a winner in life and he deserves to be on a winning team. We are now in a position to give him the experience that he deserves," Mrs. Davis beamed. "We are going to use this 'Gift from God,' to be a competitve bidder for Mr. Pujols and hopefully, a championship season for Cody, next year."

"If we are able to sign Pujols, he will have to earn his spot in the starting line-up just like every other boy on the team." Coach Davis said with a sparkle of hope and pride in his eyes. "But I have a good feeling he has the tools to be a contributor to our team's success."

Representatives for Pujols, the Cardinals, and Major League Baseball refused to discuss the matter.

It is That Time of Year Again, Again.

Hey, it is late September. You know what that means? It means it is time for my annual rant about the nominees for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. This year, being no different from others, I decided to re-run my rant from last year, with just a few minor revisions(mainly Alice Cooper getting inducted), because things have not really changed. So here it is, my yearly RRHOF rant. Enjoy.


If you are a lover of music like I am, you may want to, at some point in your life, go to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland. While there, you may expect to see all of the inductees that have had huge success, a long career, and/or were influential to many others. You might expect to see the following artists:

Herbie Hancock(n), Ella Fitzgerald(n), John Coltrane(n), Pat Boone, Sammy Davis Jr.(n), Chubby Checker(n), Paul Revere and the Raiders(n), Willie Nelson(n), Patti LaBelle(n), Wayne Newton(n), The Moody Blues, Cher(n), Randy Newman, Iron Butterfly, Jethro Tull, Steppenwolf(n), Steve Miller Band, Chicago, Grand Funk Railroad(n), Joe Cocker, Yes, Diana Ross(n), Jimmy Buffett(n), The Doobie Brothers, ELO, Meat Loaf(n), REO Speedwagon(n), Thin Lizzy(n), Blue Oyster Cult(n), Peter Frampton(n), Styx(n), Scorpions(n), Bachman-Turner Overdrive(n), Barry Manilow(n), Barry White, The Pointer Sisters(n), Rush(n), Tina Turner, Bad Company, The Commodores, Judas Priest(n), Kansas(n), KISS, Robert Palmer(n), Journey(n), Ted Nugent(n).


That would be one hell of a Hall of Fame. Unfortunately, none of these artists have been inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Do you see the names with the "(n)" after them? These artists haven't even been CONSIDERED for the HOF, much less nominated. This list, by the way, is just a short sample of those that are not in. This list also is made up entirely of artists that have been eligible for over 10 years. IF you add those that have been eligible for less than 10 years, you get these folks:

Air Supply(n), Boston(n), Kenny Loggins(n), Luther Vandross(n), Peter Tosh, Sammy Hagar(n), .38 Special(n), Cheap Trick, Foreigner(n), George Thorogood(n), Peter Gabriel, Black Flag(n), The Cars, Devo, Rick James(n), The B52's, Bryan Adams(n), The Dead Kennedys(n), Def Leppard, Iron Maiden, Twisted Sister(n), Weird Al(n), Billy Squier(n), The Go-go's(n), Huey Lewis and the News(n), INXS(n), Loverboy(n), Ozzy Osbourne(n), UB40(n), The Bangles(N), Billy Idol(N), Depeche Mode, Duran Duran(n), Eurythmics, Lionel Richie(n), Ministry(n), Motley Crue(n), George Clinton(n), Janet Jackson(n), Sting(n), Dio(n), Slayer(n), Stevie Ray Vaughan, 2 Live Crew(n), Pet Shop Boys(n), Steve Vai(n).

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame did nominate KISS 2 years ago, but they didn't make it. I will give them credit for inducting Alice Cooper last year, but he seems to be a small bone thrown by the same people who do not think, KISS, Rush, Journey, Deep Purple, and Stevie Ray Vaughan deserve to be in a Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. These same voters thought that ABBA was more deserving to be inducted into the Rock and Roll hall of Fame.

There is bound to be some disappointment with this years class. The nominees for 2012 are;

The Beastie Boys
The Cure
Donovan
Eric B. and Rakim
Guns 'N Roses
Heart
Joan Jett and the Blackhearts
Freddie King
Laura Nyro
The Red Hot Chili Peppers
Rufus with Chaka Khan
The Small Faces/Faces
The Spinners
Donna Summer
War


There are some very deserving nominees here. However, as mentioned above, there are way too many who deserve to be in before some of these are voted in. I won't go into my thoughts on, "non-rock and roll" artists in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and the fact that they should just change their name to the Pop or Popular Music Hall of Fame. We will see who, from this group, gets in the Rock and Roll hall of Fame in April of next year.


Cheers,
The Alpaca Buggerer

Wazzup Dog?

Warning!!! Due to the frank nature of the topic below, reader discretion is advised.




I am not originally from the Chicago area, so my food preferences are a tad bit different than the locals. For example, hot dogs. I prefer just a little bit of ketchup and onion on my hot dogs. To my palette, they are a good compliment to quality frank. But ketchup is sacrilege in Chicago. You can't pay the local wiener purveyors enough to put some ketchup on your hot dog. You may as well ask them to kick a puppy and then eat it alive. They maybe, just maybe, will give you an old packet of Heinz that they found on the sidewalk 3 years ago. But they dare not break the seal on that Devil's juice called ketchup. For the demons summoned forth will surely bring an end to all mankind.


It seems that the only option is the Chicago-style hot dog. I have finally determined that Chicago style hot dogs are hot dogs for those that don't like hot dogs. They put all of the boldest flavored toppings possible on them. It is like they are trying to mask the fact that they are eating a hot dog. In fact, if I were forced to eat a piece of shit, I would ask if I could put it in a poppy seeded bun with some Chernobyl green relish, mustard, onions, a dill pickle, tomato, sport peppers, and just an eensy weensy dash of celery salt. That way, I could fool myself into thinking that I am not eating shit and maybe I am just eating a Chicago dog. I couldn't tell the difference. Nobody could because the shit dog is buried beneath a virtual Matterhorn of condiments. I do agree with the Chicago-doggers on one thing. In keeping with Chicago-dog tradition, the shit would have to be kosher, of course.

Happy New Year!!!
The Alpaca Buggerer

They Calll Him the Streak!

WARNING! This blog may contain images and/or words that some may find inappropriate for a quaint little family get-together at grandma's house. Or it may not. Your grandma might be the hippest chick to ever walk the planet. Anyway, this ain't granny's house, so fuck it. Let's get it on.

I find it a little odd that we have a name for a random crazy dude who runs across a sports field while wearing no clothes. A streaker. But we have no name for a guy that does it while fully clothed.
What do we call that guy? An Asshole! Yeah, that's right. That guy is an asshole. We as a society don't want to see that guy. We would rather have our beloved sporting event interrupted by the naked guy, the streaker. Get off the field, you clothed dick! Bring in the naked guy. Call us when you have no clothes on. If you are going to cause a disruption, make an effort. We want to see the fat naked guy run around the soccer field and then get tackled by some unfortunate rent-a-cop. That's pretty awkward for the poor security schlub that can actually run. If it were me, I'd just taze the guy and leave it at that. Let the medical people cart him off. They are used to that kind of thing.





You don't see streakers at certain sporting events, though. They are usually found at soccer matches or maybe the occasional baseball or football game. You don't see them at the Women's Gymnastics events at the Olympics. That would just be creepy. Some middle-aged fat naked dude running among 14 year-old Chinese tumbling freaks. Of course, a nude guy running across a soccer field isn't just a little creepy in itself. You also don't see streakers at swimming meets. I would give extra credit points to a streaker that dove in the pool au natural and swum a few laps.

In recent years, streakers have started putting advertisements on their body for websites and other stuff. So now we technically have professional streakers. You might be at a party and meet someone new.

Friend- "Hey this is Bob."

You-"Well hey Bob. What do you do?"

Bob-"I am in advertising."

You- "Oh really, what companies have you done ads for?"

Bob- "Oh, Golden Palace.com"

You- "What do you do, print, TV, billboards, radio?"

Bob- "No, I do more of a live advertisement. You know, live events. Kind of a billboard, you could say."

WARNING! Half naked man with chicken cod-piece may reside below!!! You have been warned!!!!







WARNING! No really! He may have a diaper on his head, too.






WARNING! You don't believe me, do you? You will when you see the clothespins.

BOB?

The irony is that everyone gets upset when we see a one-millionth of a second flash of Janet Jackson's boob. But, heaven forbid you have a streaker that has his clothes on. That guy's a dick. You want to see the naked guy. There must be some sort of homo-erotic thing going on there. Everyone is laughing their asses off, watching this guy for 5 minutes, while the security people are chasing him around the field like some modern day Keystone Cops. No, we have a freaking fit over what we may or may have not seen when Janet had her little, "malfunction."

It's That Time Again!!!

If you are a lover of music like I am, you may want to, at some point in your life, go to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland. While there, you may expect to see all of the inductees that have had huge success, a long career, and/or were influential to many others. You might expect to see the following artists:

Herbie Hancock(n), Ella Fitzgerald(n), John Coltrane(n), Pat Boone, Sammy Davis Jr.(n), Chubby Checker(n), Paul Revere and the Raiders(n), Willie Nelson(n), Patti LaBelle(n), Wayne Newton(n), The Moody Blues, Cher(n), Randy Newman, Iron Butterfly, Jethro Tull, Steppenwolf(n), Steve Miller Band, Chicago, Grand Funk Railroad(n), Joe Cocker, Yes, Diana Ross(n), Jimmy Buffett(n), The Doobie Brothers, ELO, Meat Loaf(n), REO Speedwagon(n), Thin Lizzy(n), Blue Oyster Cult(n), Peter Frampton(n), Styx(n), Scorpions(n), Bachman-Turner Overdrive(n), Barry Manilow(n), Barry White, The Pointer Sisters(n), Rush(n), Tina Turner, Bad Company, The Commodores, Judas Priest(n), Kansas(n), KISS, Robert Palmer(n), Journey(n), Ted Nugent(n).

That would be one hell of a Hall of Fame. Unfortunately, none of these artists have been inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Do you see the names with the "(n)" after them? These artists haven't even been CONSIDERED for the HOF, much less nominated. This list, by the way, is just a short sample of those that are not in. This list also is made up entirely of artists that have been eligible for over 10 years. IF you add those that have been eligible for less than 10 years, you get these folks:


Air Supply(n), Boston(n), Heart(n), Kenny Loggins(n), Luther Vandross(n), Peter Tosh, Sammy Hagar(n), .38 Special(n), Cheap Trick, Foreigner(n), George Thorogood(n), Peter Gabriel, Black Flag(n), The Cars, The Cure, Devo, Rick James(n), The B52's, Bryan Adams(n), The Dead Kennedys(n), Def Leppard, Iron Maiden, Twisted Sister(n), Weird Al(n), Billy Squier(n), The Go-go's(n), Huey Lewis and the News(n), INXS(n), Joan Jett and the Blackhearts(n), Loverboy(n), Ozzy Osbourne(n), UB40(n), The Bangles(N), Billy Idol(N), Depeche Mode, Duran Duran(n), Eurythmics, Lionel Richie(n), Ministry(n), Motley Crue(n), , George Clinton(n), Janet Jackson(n), Sting(n), Dio(n), Slayer(n), Stevie Ray Vaughan, 2 Live Crew(n), Pet Shop Boys(n), Red Hot Chili Peppers(n), Steve Vai(n).


The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame did nominate KISS last year, but they didn't make it. I will give them credit for nominating Alice Cooper this year, but I doubt he will be voted in by the same people who do not think, KISS, Rush, Journey, Deep Purple, and Stevie Ray Vaughan deserve to be in a Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. These same voters thought that ABBA was more deserving to be inducted into the Rock and Roll hall of Fame.
There is bound to be some disappointment with this years class. The nominees for 2011 are;

Alice Cooper

Beastie Boys

Bon Jovi

Chic

Neil Diamond

Donovan

Dr. John

J. Geils Band

LL Cool J

Darlene Love

Laura Nyro

Donna Summer

Joe Tex

Tom Waits

Chuck Willis

I won't go into my thoughts on, "non-rock and roll" artists in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and the fact that they should just change their name to the Pop or Popular Music Hall of Fame.



/Alpaca Buggerer

Abhorrent Family Stickers

Have you seen these little family stick figures on the back of vans and SUV's? I am sure you have. They are usually a Mommy, Daddy, a kid or two, and a pet or pets. Like this:

  

Very cute. Until recently, I thought that these little stick people represented the family in the car. What I saw the other day made me rethink this. I saw a full-size Chevy Suburban with stick figures of 2 adults, 8 children, and a dog on the rear window. This caused me to pause and try to come to grips with what that was saying. Is that a family with 8 children? They sure would like you to think that. The truth, I believe, is far more heinous. I believe these people are using an artistic technique that became popular with the fighter pilots in World War 2. See exhibit A below:

The above photo show a picture of the aircraft of Marine Corps Major Gregory "Pappy" Boyington. Pappy was one of the most famous "aces" of World War II. He was commander of the famed "Black Sheep" squadron which was immortalized in a 1970's television series. If you look closely at the photo, you will see several rows of Japanese flags painted under the cockpit of Major Boyington's plane. Each one of those flags represents an enemy aircraft that the Major shot down during combat, also known as a "kill."

This leads me to the stickers now seen on many SUV's and vans today. I believe that there is a secret underground group that are documenting their activities on their vehicles. I have come to the conclusion that these stickers do not represent the family in the automobile, but in fact are tallies of the pedestrian "kills," the driver has made. The SUV I saw with the 2 adults, 8 children, and dog, has to be the "Pappy" Boyington of killer SUV drivers. I mean 8 kids? C'mon, who are you trying to fool.

The Alpaca Buggerer.

Podcast 7-20-10

The first Alpaca Buggerer Podcast.
Fast Brits, flying donkeys, and more on this edition of The Alpaca Buggerer. But first a word from one of our fine sponsors.



Commercial



A team of British scientists and engineers has created a full-scale model for a 1000mph car they intend to use to shatter the land speed record of 763 mph set back in 1997. Some experts say they may also break the record for most horrific crash.

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Indonesia's Muslims learned on Friday they have been praying in the wrong direction

Muslims are supposed to face the holy city of Mecca in Saudi Arabia while praying, but they actually have been facing Somalia or Kenya.

The mix up came to light when a visitor from The United States was showing a local Muslim official, the compass app. on his I-Phone.

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We'll be right back after this short commercial time -out:



Commercial

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Heroic mailman saves 3 lives while on the job

Keith McVey a postal worker from Akron, Ohio is hailed as a local hero. He has saved 3 lives in the last 20 years while on his route. When asked about the deeds of the mailman, an unidentified supervisor said that they would, unfortunately, have to fire the veteran mail-carrier. When asked why, the supervisor said that McVey's behaviour was doing damage to the service's long cultivated tradition of "going postal."

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Breaking News!

This just in, 3 doves arrested for planning a coup.

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Russian officials are investigating possible animal cruelty in the case of a donkey seen parasailing over a beach in Southern Russia.

An unidentified official claimed that the parasailing donkey was not a new type of stealth aircraft. He went on to say that the technology is old and had been developed for anti-aircraft cannon training.

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More news after the break.

Commercial

And now an opinion piece:

Opinion:

There is an age old question that needs to be answered. Many have tried but none have gotten the definitive answer. On one hand it has been said that "Bird" is "The Word." On the other hand, it has been claimed that "Grease" is "The Word." Now you might say, "wait a minute, I though that 'Word Up' was The Word." You would be wrong, as it is well documented that "Word Up," is actually the "Code Word" and not "The Word." But I digress. So now we have bird versus grease. Grease versus bird. How can we solve this age old conundrum? Hmmm. What if both side are correct? What if we put "The Bird," in "The Grease?" What would we get? We would get fried chicken! That's right, fired chicken. So now you know how to answer when someone asks you, "What’s the word?" You can answer with all confidence that "Fried Chicken” is, in fact, “The word.”